Please don't get me rescued...

and that is why, when the air gets like this

i need to roll UP the windows
change JEW to something different
and turn OFF the phone.

wow,
you're different.

It's strange how 'world-stopped-spinning' shocked I was, and at the same time expectant.

I had thought for a long, long time that there was no compatibility, and little truth and depth.
What's weird is how often I used to compare us and them.  I was (past tense)always jealous of what I thought they had and we didn't, when the truth was, we had(have) it all....and so much better, because we figured it out on time.

We knew what was better for us, and didn't push it further when we realized it.  I'm so grateful for that.  So glad I am not hurt worse than I was.  So glad I can say "X" with only a few lingering, reminiscent sentiments and regrets.  Mostly, though, with content.  Content to be an X, because we did what was best for us.  What was ultimately, although unknown to me at times, God's plan.

Now I'm where I should be, and I hope he is.
But they will have a rough life ahead of them...and there will be no easy solutions.  It has to hit the core, even with dislike and unhappiness.

I don't know how you make that kind of decision.  I'm sure glad I won't have to.

in different cirucmtances...right now would be harder than it is.

One year of a lot of growing up, a lot of figuring out what I really want, and a lot of learning what God wants for me.

I am absolutely in the best place of my entire life...[but I hope to continue to say that for the rest of my life.]  I am eleven weeks away from graduating.  At the risk of sounding cheesy, I am dating the most dream-come-true man I could have imagined God would bring into my life.  I will become a California girl soon enough.  I have no idea what is front of me and when.  But I am incredibly excited about both the near and distant future, whatever it holds.
I do not deserve the blessings in my life.  I do not even come close.

I am learning that "God works all things together for good, for them that love God and are called according to His purposes."  I needed our year.  I do not regret it.  I will always remember some things--but not the way I thought I would.  Its hard to even remember what we were when we were happy.  I sincerely hope that you find what I've found--and that it makes you as happy as content as it has made me.  
You'll know so surely, and you won't get over it.  Everyday will be something new, and exciting, and wonderful.  And I truly wish that you find rest in Him.


There's one thing I want to say
So I'll be brave
...
I'm not sorry I met you 
I'm not sorry it's over,
i'm not sorry there's nothing to save

I have my first "real job" interview next week!

I don't want to give out too much yet, because I don't' know how it will turn out.  But it might just satisfy both my business and journalism interests...and it's close to home, but far enough [Wheaton area].

I'm not really nervous, because right now I don't have a clear future timeline, and may have to turn it down if things move quickly.  But I am OK either way, i decided.  Both would be a little difficult, both would be rewarding.

tomorrow I am not celebrating valentine's day.  But I am celebrating five wonderful months.

I haven't done any homework yet this semester.  I haven't done anything yet this semester.
i will.....tomorrow.

I am leaving for Africa in 50 hours.   uhhhhyeah. 
I'm freaking out, in that calm way.  I've got my lists, how bad can it be? For now:

-get delivery stuff ready
-make list of stuff to get from dorm room
-email Debby materials to print out
-don't forget anything important
-pack enough underwear

I'm listening to the most glorious voice I've heard in a long time.  It's like Anna Nalick/Joy Williams/Regina Spektor/a littleJudy Garland--but even better.  wowza.  happiness.


A few '08 goals/resolutions:

VOTE
run.run.run
stop eating candy [seriously]
be really patient.
keep trusting
be safe traveling.
not be paranoid traveling
take PHENOMENAL pictures
stop wasting money. (frugality is really necessary if I keep this up)
Enjoy every moment, and every 'stage'....even apart.  even when I don't get it.  especially in the sticky times
Not worry about this job thing
save lots of money for future.
stop trying to plan my future


I guess, once I leave and am back, things will be somewhat different.  
This has been good.  well, alright.  
But there's not much else to say, or reason to say it...so there's this.  its one of my favorites right now.


You and I have something different
And I'm enjoying it cautiously
I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be

He's disappearing
Fading suddenly
I'm so close to being yours
Won't you stay with me
Please

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I belong
Where you are

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
Though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

Yet, I'm better near to you.

It's funny how I know this is real.  I've never been that creative, or thoughtful before.

Since this is likely last post of the year, i'll make it a little longer and more comprehensible than my usual LJ posts.

Last year at this time I was somewhat miserable, and the future looked gloomy.
THis year, the future is as hazy, but much sunnier.  
I'm feeling some pay off for the 'working on myself'...But wait, that's not right.  I'm seeing fruits of His work.  And there are many more to come.

I've been at work mostly by myself this week.  The office is frigid and quiet and I've been spending half my time catching up on 9 months of news I haven't paid attention to.  I missed it, and I'm not quite sure how I couldn't make time for it last semester and summer...I feel so much more knowledgeable when I'm up on current events, but a little depressed, [the top three headlines yesterday were the murder of former Pakistani prime minister, the mauling and death of a 17-year-old by a tiger, and a family of 6 murdered by their daughter and sister on Christmas Eve.]  

I just can't get into election stuff.  The primaries aren't interesting to me because they seem fairly dramatic, and minor.  Anyone that I would be interested in being a candidate has absolutely no chance of making it.

Africa is coming up so quickly, and I'm feeling the first twinges of fear and apprehension.  About the work we'll do,  things we'll encounter as well as the health and safety of everyone.  What if I forget something important?  What if {} forgets about me?  What if something happens at home while I'm gone?
Trust, remember?

Had a talk with dad over lunch on wednesday about any concrete  post-graduation plans.  There aren't any even tentative ones.  But I'm not worried (Ok, just a little).  I have a hard time not forcing a timeline on everyone around me, so I can plan.  What's that verse? "Do not worry what you will eat or drink or what you will wear,...for tomorrow will worry about itself."

Also, this year's word: Patience.  I'm going to need it.

DId I ever have funny stories or interesting things to day?  I'm beginning to think I'm one of the most boring bloggers ever.

25 days and counting  It'll 'be more serious' then.
i hope you know...

This is getting a bit ridiculous.  I don't know what my problem is, and why everything is rubbing me the wrong way this week.  Granted, it was a little too much, but i should be getting used to it at this point.  and over it by now.
It's too early for this, and I'm not motivated to try (why?). 

Ugh, exams.  
nothing too difficult just a lot of busy work and catching up for other people.  THis semester hasbeen wonderful, stressful, packed and exhausting.  I'll never do another one like it,but it was a good experience.  

TOo late for the GRE.  Too many doors are shutting lately.  Nothing is appealing, and I"m having a hard time with this 'not knowing my location beyond this summer' business.  I know what I want.  it's just not working.

I'm shutting off over break.  I need it.  I'm hanging out with Rae and my family, reading, writing a few letters, and doing work.
So unless you're a letter(or its recipient), a good book, my best friend, family, human resources, or my trip to africa, plan on being neglected.

It's unreal to me that I'm still being regularly impressed.  things are fitting better than i ever thought they might.

seriously.

He knows what He's doing.  This is good.
i'm content :-)

This is almost forced 'chill' time.  and here I am on livejournal

Not that I don't want to write.  I've had several occasions when I've een laying in bed around 2am, having to get up at 6:30am and having so much running thorugh my head, i can't sleep.

It's not that bad.  I'm having a hard time not complaining, when there's priorities I'd kind of like to switch around.  How did i let school compeltely take over my life?!  There's never a completed to do list.  Never an empty laundry basket, lack of homework, empty email/voicemail inbox or clean desk.  This is exhausting.
--  the letter 'b' fell off my computer when a piles of ooks fell off my shelf yesterday.  lovely.  it only presses down about 1/3 of the time --
The people that I've been around lately have been pretty great at keeping me in a low-stress state.  I am mastering the art of delegation, going with the flow, and been ok with making mistakes. 

My ipod was stolen in mid august.  I was aware, ut kept telling myself that I lost it.  I finally took the time to look everywhere.  It's gone.
With an 18 and 16 hour flight coming up in the next 8 months, i knew I was going to need something bigger anyway.  I hate that it's going to appear over the top trendy that I'm getting this, but it's far more economical  and compatible (the 8gb ipod nano i looked at is $199...and the new design sucks).  So a 30gb Zune is on it's way to me right now.  I'm thinking it might be pretty big, but it'll make it easier for me to keep track of, and miss if it's gone.

alright, after last night, I can't justify much more 'non-productive' time.  Running, lunch, and then serious homework with some 2nd issue layout until conference tonight.



I'm in a place right now, I've never been.  and it's wonderfully confusing, because I want to do it right.  but it's wonderful, nonetheless.

I really don't know.

But I do know this is a time of preparation.  Not planning.  
[Trying not to plan], or look too far ahead.

He's got lots of work to do in me yet.
There's a part of me that's really excited and kind of scared about that. 

I haven't found lyrics for this.  so i'm turning it off for a bit.

I need a long drive.  and long run.  and long prayer.

 oh. 
Oh.


there are things and reasons for 'not yet'.  [ ineed to say so]
they are specific.
but i think i am finally getting it.  and being hesitant is a good aversion.

so,'probably maybe'.  

but 'not yet'.

The storm is bad tonight,
so how could I awake without you here?
Your picture's on the wall.
You haven't called.
But I'll wait for you.

....

The storm is letting up,
but it won't die.
If you weren't wrong, was I?
Your picture still remains,
but I wonder are you still the same?

What a drama queen. [i can be]  jeesh.

life, is just.....life.  whatever.  sometimes i get too wrapped up in things and forget that this thing is so temporary.

ANYwho. 

a quick list before i head to my third to second to last class.  [it's close enough]

this week is going to be:

moving 5-ish boxes into my dorm [sweet deal]
finishing job descriptions and other little things i keep avoiding.
preseting a budget request of many thousands of $ [?]
actually DOING work, son. [i've been slacking]
Kelsey and Kara's first vball game. 
maybe a finally get together with much missed friends.  hoping to avoid awkwardness...can't figure
stupid presentation for class.  that will be less than half-assed.

i'm done with this summer.  it was great.  but i'm so much more excited about this school year.  [and not just academics....i'm not that  nerdy, thanks]

i need to down some dinner and jet.  
So glad for this cd for the next weeks of drives

so can't wait to see everyone again.  and to be the four of us.  

definitely couldn't end on that last note.  so there's this.  
who knows when i'll be back.

i'm semi-reverting back to my paper, unavailable to the public journal right now.  we'll see how long it lasts.

but mostly i am sleeping right now.  a lot.


"we just need some sleep, to dream away our fears"

the best thing to do would be to pray.

the only other logical thing is to go to bed.

inner turmoil.  outward aggravations.
frustration.  impatience.  awkwardness.  unfounded assurance.
lack of humility.

that is right now.  
here's to hoping it starts looking up.

this shouldn't be surprising
but i think i am, at least, interested.



Read DOuglas WIlson.  i didn't appreciate it enough when it was forced on me three years ago.
I'm learning a lot about what I've never been able to articulate, but always known.


"If there's one thing women hate more than taking the initiative themselves, it's no one taking the initiative."

 

i'm starting to get a little nervous writing in here because i have no idea who reads it.  SOmetimes i wish i knew so i could put subtle messages in my posts, but better this way i guess.

my parents are awesome.  i am occasionally struck by this, but more with my dad than my mom.  He has more wisdom than almost anyone i know..and i find myself taking his advice more now than i ever have...and seeking advice in situations where [not long ago] i would have otherwise made/wanted to make my own decision.
BUt i got a letter from my mom today out of the blue that just made me appreciate her even more.

here is an excerpt (hope she doesn't mind!)

I have been praying for you yesterday and today.  In our bible study this week we discussed disciplines in managing our bodies.  You have a much better start than I did at your age.  Of course, eating health is one way, getting enough sleep is another, as well as exercise. [but]a few that I had not thought of was acknowledging sin, [Psalm 32:3-5] and after confession [Psalm 32:11].  Keeping a schedule--developing a schedule to fit the routine of life at different stages.  Jesus was never in a hurry, never rushed, moved purposefully through each day and he took time for rest and prayer.  Determine God's priorities for you life and develop a schedule that is centered on those priorities.

I am so thankful to God for the many many many gifts he has given you, but I want you to continue to be steps ahead of me in not taking on too much on.  I think your maturity has shown with your decision to [limit my activites this semester].   Continue to pray about God's priorities for your life during this busy and fun time in college.  Enjoy each stage of life the Lord gives to you...there are special things in every stage of life, but sometimes we need to take time to realize it and not try to move so quickly ahead to the next stage.

I just wanted to write these thoughts down to you.

I love you so much!!

MOM

it's so simple when it's broken down like that.  I'm stopping myself from feeling bad when i tell people no.  
Yes, i probably could do it all.
but its not in my best interest...or in God's plan for me right now.  it takes a lot for me to finally admit that.

I am impatient right now, and unsure that if I give this thing to God, He'll ruin it.
...stupid, right?
Of course He won't!  

And if it's no, or a not now--then He'll give me what I need to keep going.

I'm so excited about life....both the right now and what God's planning for me in the future.  So far this year has been beyond what i could have ever dreamed or imagined.

I remember feeling like this before
....and it only keep getting better!

trusting.  trusting.  patient (hah).  prayerfully,
me

HAHAhahaha.

yessssss!!

this is what it feels like.

how can i NOT get my hopes up?

THey're up.  but i'm still trusting...and being[not so very] patient.

in HIs time.  in His way....


:-D

I knew this would come, and it's not so bad.
but i'm at a point where what i want[or at least what i think i want] is not what God wants for me.

No way else to describe it, except for a 'knowing'.  i just know.  

Disspointment isn't the worst thing to feel.  Being is God's will is far more satisfying [right?]

Right.

I need to read more.  and calm down.  and keep praying.

__________________________________________

I'm leaving in less than 64 hours?!

holy schnikes.
This is it.  
Got a lot of prearing to do...see karissa finally, movie, and then go buy a dress for the wedding. [yep, on my credit card]  HOpefully bdubs for dinner, i'm craving.

TO DO:
pack
pick up luggage
pack
buy dress/jewelry
get passport
renew license plate
do homework
call marcy
freak out some more
RUn
reserve seats
clear off camera memory card
send/upload pictures

Oh, and i should probably get some work done.

[if i didn't have a year of school  left...i'd have a job lined up for sept.  it WOULD happen like that]  

get pumped. i am.